| Crazy, over the rinbow I'm Crazy.... |
[Jan. 17th, 2007|01:21 am] |
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about once a month i get this feeling that i need to jump up and down telling my diner table that my name is Albert Ross, some times it an easy fix, by just doing it. Others times i need to take some kind of action like writing MY NAMe IS ALBERT ROSS on a cupboard while i say this over and over again to my self. please note that this began way before i stared taking drugs. I've always had this urge, and it's gotten me through many a sleepless nights, at the age of 15 i was still hiding under my blankets acting like i was a commander sent out of his starship because i had sex with the made, harmless no? well when you find your self telling others this in a casual voice they tend to get worried about your mental health, and quite frankly so do i. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 15th, 2007|08:16 pm] |
this is a day that i didn't get done all i wanted to, but it was i day that I'm glad I was alive for, because I've got all i want and more then i deserve. she's to good for me, i feel so good right now, even if some of my life is coming unglued, and others parts are flying out of control i know that down is below and up is above. I'm just in a damn good mood... i think my pits smell like raw vanilla and i like ita lot~
My mottoes:
"no harm no foul"
"fate brought us together, I'll be damed if reason will take us apart."
"i don't always like what I've done but i like what i've become" |
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| A Responce |
[Dec. 11th, 2006|10:06 pm] |
When you said good bye in tears that night, i was under the idea that you were going to be saying good bye until you got all your demons in a line. and i said that i was going to be there waiting for you. Now it's you who has left. all i was trying to do was say that i've got demons i need to kick the shit out of also. And that i'm going to take a little break from reality and get to work done and sort my mind out. But you took that as I"M BREAKING UP WITH YOU!... that's not what i wanted to say. Was it so bad that i wanted to know what was going on in your life? To have the ability to worry when you don't tell me things. When the only way i get to see inside your head is when i peel it from the small dots that make up my CTR? To peace together something that i should be able trust to tell me when things are a mess? To be able to lean on me when she gets low? The reason i had to have a shitty explintaton was that i didn't mean for you to take it that way and definitely not on a 49 metro Bus on it's way to Teen Art'. The Dragon metaphor is just another shitty leek in my mind that makes no sense and will always be taken differently then i mean them to.
I read all i could stand to in your Lj posts trying to make the best of what i read, but if i were to talk about blood and cutting my self i would expect you to give to shits about me and try to get me to talk about it... sorry if you don't feel that way, but that's all i saw in your posts. (not verbatim, and quite well put there of)
I Do still have feelings for you. I do not have another girl in line to take your place & have a feeling that you won't take the last two statements to heart.
How Weird to Think that a Re-Re like my self is unable to explain him self with out re-reading to fix errors that i can't help but make. Like i've done in the post sense times already...
As for the Text messages, my phone has had a life of it's own ever since i dropped it in the bath.Trust me when i say that i never got those before tonight. Ain't life just funny that way?... |
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| Music, the orginal drug |
[Oct. 1st, 2006|11:06 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  WWJD? lission to radio head... | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Life | ] |
i've heard that sent is the strongest sense known to man.... but i find it to be music. it's a drug that affects all the other senses, makes you see things in a light that's brighter or darker depending on what the air around your ears is up to. It can force you to be happy, force you to calm down, force you to remember, but only if you let it. it's the best drug because it can be turned on and off at any point. the only problem is that people don't understand it as a drug. they use it to tell about themselves. they will say they like Nirvana because that's what everyone around them likes, now this only goes for the people who don't know what i'm talking about, this is for them. those people need to wake up and feel. think about how a peace of music makes them feel. feel what's it's like to have your heart riped out by a guitar, your eye's rang dry by a snyth' and so much more by so much less.
I was looking around on Google Video, and i found Paranoid Android by Radiohead, i remember being on the couch that is now in my sisters old room, watching it and getting a hard on because of the boobs. witch i thought were quite good; back in 1997. I was still at as1 and wanting to know what highschoolers though about, how they acted and who i was going to be, i can remember it all. Well now i'm a senior in high school and i'm no nearer to knowing what high schooler think about or how they act. the only thing i've gotten close to knowing is who i am. i'm something that can't be put into words. i'm my actions. i'm what i remember about my past. granted all this is indeed in words. But that's not the point. the point is that i'm right now, and right now i love kelly, music, friend, and i'm proud of that. not proud of what i've done but proud of who i am. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 30th, 2006|07:50 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  giddy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Tom Waits [the sun years] | ] |
~Giggle like an Eff'n school gril, you know why...~ |
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| Action |
[Sep. 17th, 2006|09:50 am] |
That last post. let's call it a thought. now i'm sick of thinking about thoughts. this is an action. Nothing has changed on this end. Nothing. Talk to me when you're ready to. i'll leave you alone, i say this because it semes that on your end that's what you want. you want more drama, and i do. that's plane by my posts. so i'll be here, i'll still call just to hear your answering voice, and i'l leave a message about what i've been up to, but beyond that...
so again, call me when you want to, and hope that i'm awake. |
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| give me a torch to find my way out of this. |
[Sep. 17th, 2006|09:24 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  P, 5? did i hit a battle ship? | ] |
i use my words with out thinking... no, it's not that, it's that i don't make my self clear enough when i... fuck. Why can't i be with her now. that would make everything so much easier, it's not the same being so far away reading to deeply into old pots, or new for that matter. i have no idea what she thinking. i wish i did. if only i could get everything in a nice strait line like it is when she's in town.
have i done something wrong? have i lied to you? is it i that makes you weep? why can't i just talk with you. why is this so hard? i want to know what's going on inside your mind now more then ever, so that i might understand how/what to say next as to avoid making my self out to as a beast. |
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| A Responce |
[Jun. 27th, 2006|12:54 pm] |
I Don't Want This To End. I fear that you think you might lose me to pot, i understand that you've lost someone that can never be replaced. i understand that you lost him to addiction, and that your afrade of loseing me. but i'm asking you to trust me. Trust me that i'll quit. Becuase Fuck, this is not what i want. this is evil, nothing shoud have this power over people. i dont want anything to do with it. I can have fun without it, you've saved me alot more then you think, just by talking to me that night, or hearing your laugh to break up a though i might of had. Most of all you are more then a person to me, your a Soul, a Mind, a Heart. you get me to go place in my self i would of never gone. Last night i cried, i cried at the though of loseing you over something that is so unimportant to me. the only outher time i've cried like that was at my grandmother funeral. I Want to hear your side commination is the key, i've seen two people be riped apart becuase they didn't talk. After all, talk is all we have, it's the only way we can reach into eachouthers hears the way we do. Please respond. |
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| The mind is not a toy. |
[Jun. 26th, 2006|03:19 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | my mind won't turn off... help | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Bright eyes | ] |
What is it called when you can lie to your self more easily then her, would you call that... what? Is it fear that you can't control your self? Is it your mild depression? Or could it be that you know that your just going to keep twisting your words till they bleed. Is there going to be an end? Is there going to be a place where you say enough is enough? No, that route is for the strong of will. The ones who know what they are doing in life. The ones who can only hurt them selves and not the ones they love, the stand alone people. Well to them, i've got a message "I Hate You". You tower over all of us, showing us how it's supposed to be, how the noble people get by. Well what does that make us? Crooks? Junkies? people with no souls? No hope of saving them selves? I don't want to fit my self in that mold, but i guess i don't have much say in the end do I?
I never wanted to put you in that position, to make you my support. But someone needs to be there to ask me if i've gotten high, i chose you because i cant lie to you. Your opinion means to much to me. I never want to be the cause of sadness. Ever. |
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| Rant after a long week |
[May. 14th, 2006|11:26 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | depressed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | GoldFrapp | ] |
As of late i've been feeling quite out of shape. things have never been this slow, it all started after i came back from sac' Town. Things with kelly couln't of gone any better, we had fun ate and eat'ed. but now that i'm back i dont have any one to hold, to kiss. I think i sould be used to it by now. but i'm not, you never really are, especaly when you've got a girlfreind, but she's to far away... i got some good news to tell her right now. [if i get a summer job my dad will pay for hte ticket now to get you up to seattle.] and wish there was more i oculd do, dont like you tapping into your college fund, knolege is more inportant then the body, just look at the man that has the same last name as you kelly.
i've been alot of things in my mind, a joker, a knight,a king, a Quteen, a cook and most of all, a lover. All of this adds up to me, and with this inside i know that i can do what even needs to be done, but all of this makes no sence, i'm sick of trying to bew all of these things at the right time, it's so much ore fun to be the night when trying to cook or the joker whtn i've got to make love wo my wifei'm sick. i need hlep i over think thigns to muych, i have to much fun in my own mind, it's alot more fun up there.i only wish you were there too. then i would be to happy. i'be been bad that i've not been abel to talk to you for a long time, i miss you kelly, and the worst thing is taht i know you miss me too. that you feel that hole in the venter of your chelt open, the butterflys leave and are replavced by frlying cats. who tare your insides out and make you want to breakd own a nd cry.Right now i feel lik crying. i did once today, twice if you count that second time.Fuck. i said things to my mom that most people try to keep away from there moms. but she'll have a good answer, you know what i'm talking about kelly, the only one who knows are tyler and Sonia. i dont need a lot of people on this, what i need is you. i'm sick of not being able to talk to you when i want, sick of being sickat the though of not waking pu to you when i get out of bed and the sum has just came into the room to show me whare i left my dress last night.
Ps. sorry for the spelling and gramer errors, i've done this whole thing with out looking at the screen and hair in my face,. i wish i oculd act as well in life as i can on stage... Good night. |
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| LUE |
[Mar. 16th, 2006|06:46 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | weird | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Fugazi | ] |
i like being me, i like my skin, i like the way i sound i like how i act. What i dont like is how i think, i often find my self in a time and place that i dont really know about. i ask my self whare the fuck i am all to often, and rarely have an answer. i want to know what my life is adding up to. I've had a good child hood and about to become an adult in the eye's of the law. but i still have no idea of self. i don't understand anything with more zeil then most. i sit in class, i understand more then half of what they are talking about and what i don't know yet i tend to rember. but that tells me noting. that leaves me empty. if i knew what i was going to be i would direct my life towards that. Why would a grave digger need to know that sharks have no bones... i've been told that i'm good at art. i've been told that i get along with people older than my self quite well and that is going to serve me well. but serve me to what end! i fell like i'm just going to slowly... i just have to know how far i've come and whare it is that i'm going.... |
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| Life is to shot to cut short |
[Feb. 27th, 2006|12:01 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  it's never to late | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Anything by Raidohead | ] |
I've learned a lot tonight, most of all i've learned that people care When they show it. i mean realy show it, not just "I care for you", But realy going a place that's not comfortable for them to go just to save you. tonight i had a glimpse into some one who cares more for me then i do for my self. Some might call that Love, but for me it's more then love. love is a word that calls feelings. this is a feeling that calls your body to need that person more then any thing else. I've joked about her being my Drug, but it's true, i would rather have her then the hugest pot of Pot-Tea. Drugs can get you fucked up. You lose sense of self. sense of sense. you do what feels good. even if you look like an ass doing it. I don't have any thing to run away from. i've got a great family, house, stuff. I'm lucky to have her. i pity those who don't have some one like her, and am jealous of my self for hogging her. i've only wept once for a girl and that was her when she left seattle. I think i said to her that i kept it together but I didn't, how could I? you try having your perfect mach get on a plane and leave. This is about you Kelly, i want to make that clear. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 27th, 2005|10:34 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  Fool of a took | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Everclear, Father of Mine | ] |
Hey, remember me? i used to bitch about how bad my life was? how bad i had it? well i've got it bad again, so i'm back. This time it's not a bout Chloe, but it IS about a person that i've talked about on this emo dump before. now i'm not going to say her name but i'm going talk all about her, her size, feel voice, and mind. so now on with the show
All those years ago i was quite the same person, i said the same things use'n diffrent words, i had the same thoughts... and i had the same feelings. I would say about the only thing that's changed was the size of my Hair. I try not to think of people as objects... but thats when i dont want someone, need someone, when i'm shut down. Now that i'm back to life i'm quite mad, mad at how little things get me mad, mad that i can't have my way. Now i know that's just how life is. You can never get what you wan't so you might as well want what you have. Makes a lot of sence to me, but what about those things you dont really have, those things that so close but yet so... you get it. those things are the pit's... even more so when you've wanted/had/have/gave Away, those things more than once. twice, or even three times. i'm not good at holding on, that could be because it's to much of a strain to reach for some times. Well i dont know what i'm talking about, but i do know i wan't her. i've got thigns she said in my mind, text messages she sent me, things we got together. i've got all of that, memory's but that's all it is... memory's in the end i never win. i'm always rembering how i won last game, and just let it all slip by ti'll it's to late. but thats fine. if that's all i have, it's all i want.
The Emo Nerd. bob, G |
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| the 55 express |
[Jun. 9th, 2005|07:58 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  complacent | ] |
| [ | music |
| | NIN | ] |
sitting like a fish in the sand
the bus is a cold place
people dont seem to under stand
open my window to get yourself cold
with one leg on the seat infront of me
and one under me,
i look out the window made of paper and ink
the person to the right of me is very wrong
people dont talk on the bus, even with friends
no one likes to know what happend to johnny's car
or what shmee did last weekend
NO
we just dont care
we dont mind the loud music
that is only one beet for every three seconds
as long as it does not bring back any bad memories
and if it does
i will not do any thing about it
and when the outside becuase more and more familiar
you take out your pass and get off, it was a good ride
you say 'tank you' but if it was just another day on the bus
you stay as stoic as ever |
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| NEW~~~ |
[Jun. 5th, 2005|09:25 pm] |
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Hey, this is bob, and i would like to say that i have had a good day, and weekend, i did a one man play that i did all by my self. IF I EVER SAY I WILL DO A ONE MAN PLAY, TELL ME ABOUT THE PLAY WARE I RAPED MY DOGHTER, and i will reconsider |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 26th, 2005|09:10 pm] |
Now with that all behind him he thought about what to do next. As far as he could tell he was in hell. But that was about it. he remberd reading danties inferno, and that had like cerciles of hell... but he did not see any thing like that. he also remberd reading a book called "If I Ran The Circus" what he saw was alot more like that. takeing a step forword and he fell. All he could see was the walls going past him and the wind in his face. up his pants. through his blood soked shoes. he was falling for what felt like a second or two, maybe less, time did not seem to afect him. he looked up and saw nothing. nothing is not the right word, he saw so much it was all one big blur. he saw the frist girl he fucked in the back of that bar in missippi, the frist fight he was in, the last fight he was in [ looked kind of unfare to him] but he saw it all. when it was all over he was in tears after he knew why he was here. weeping on one knee. craps. geting up was hard becuase he did not feel like a person at all, more like an ape. just then some one came into the room and laughed like a six year old laugs at a joke he doest not get. he dared not trun arond for fear of seeing his fifth grade teacher. after thinking this thought he felt qutie dumb, why would it he her? that was so lame... so he looked around and the one thing he would fear in a place like this, himself. all coverd in blood. he knew then that there was no god in this place, even the thought of HIS name was met with fear. the him self standing in the door was was looking right at him with blood shot eyes. he had his hands behind his back, and in one swift movement he pulled out the thing he had in his hand. it was his own mothers eyes. just as blue as he had alwas remberd, just as full of love. just slighty less alive.
now i know you all may want to know why he had his mom's eye's in his hands. and the answer is simple. 'you already know'. see? how hard was that?
more on topic now. there he was looking eye to eye to eye with the figer in white with dried blood down his front side.
with one deep mind rattleing voice he said only this "It was kind of fun... was it not?" with that he fell once more, this time his knee did not cach him self. falling on his face crying. weeping. moveing his whole body, eyes burning with tears, face unable to controll it's self. he cryed. the door shut behind the man as he left laughing the way his sister did when he killed her for taking to much LSD.all the death in his life. all his doing. all of the pain could of be happyness if he only tred, but no, he would never have to pay he thought. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 19th, 2005|10:17 pm] |
slowly lifting his head he looks around. the room if filled with used condoms.behind the condoms he see the oil work of a six year old. the want soon filled his mind, the want to get up, to get out, to move at all. just to see if he is still working he thinks of his old boss, she always used to give him a chubby. sure as the sky is dark purple his pants felt smaller and a shapt pain went through him. He worked alright, but he did not how to work himself.
for what felt like days he went on trying to get up, to move his foot. after the thousands try he moved his right hand all the way to fall back down on his lap. just as soon as he would of made some nose of happyness a hole in the celing opened. he could hear wet smacks, soon he saw some red liqued flow down the adjectnt wall. the puddle at the bace of the wall soon became a small river. slowly to his chair it moved. when it got to his feet he felt he was ready to run, if he could that is. he felt his leg fill with blood and soon he could feel the spike chair he was sitting in all to well. getting up like a bat out of heaven [ never understood that any way, why would a bat leave hell? ]. the wet smacking was something that any one in a movie would run right over to just to see what was making that nose, but he knew better, or he hoped he did. looking aorund once more. this time he saw a door.it was luck. good or bad, he did not care. thowing open the door he saw some thing he hoped only was real in badly made sie fie movies. it looked like a bad clay movie made by retared 10 year olds. it seemed like he was on a platform made of clay, looking off in to a marker squiggly lines. after rubbing his eyes in the hopes that it would all fall down he opend them only to find the land was all changed, now what was a hill was now a tree. the though just came that this was unstable, that taking a steep would be the end for him. he was remined of the feeling of what's his face... the moon guy... oh it'll come to me... aw fuck it... any way. the fear he must of felt. the going in to the unknown.
he was remied also of the time him and his sister went camping and late at night he had to take a piss, so out he went, he did not rember the flash light, it was back home. off into the darkness he went, just thinking to him self 'one foot in frount of the next. soon enough he felt it a good place to wip out the tip. rocking back and forth he soon felt his body lighten. it was the best feeling. he was free of all of the feelings of woe. he sleept like a log after that.
back to prestnt. looking around the world had moved under his feet once more. this time it was the camp site with his siter sleeping in the tent and the grass and dirt under his feet. some ware far off he could hear him self zip back up and run back to get in his bag. well waking was not as bad as he thought, just like taking that piss was not as good of an idea as he thought it would be. it seemed dad forgot to close the window and got piss all over him self when he woke up.... |
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| good day for dreams |
[Apr. 13th, 2005|08:35 am] |
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We all wake up with the time in mind when we have to get up for one thing or the next, but after a cernan point it don't matter if you get up or not. that was my day thus far. but once i saw the clock say before 10am i was happy. but now i must run out of the door |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 13th, 2005|01:24 am] |
the feeling of telling some one that knew some thing was close at hand, the feeling of "damn that shoud of been done along time ago..." but now it was over and done with. On the way back to his seet, witch he had marked with this hat was longer than he could of hoped. When at last he did get back there was some one in his seet. Now i know we all have the want of getting our seet back, but at some point the seet does not seem that nessary. after asking for his hat he wonderd off to the vending machine, and found it harder to find than he would of hoped also. things did not seem to be going his way right now.
at frist look it was the same ol'same old for the machine. but one big thing was indeed quite diffrent. One large black button. that is all he saw, over 1,234 diffrent candies and just one button. he saw at least three things he wanted and did not know if he would get all three. [greed was some thing that he did not want to be apart of in this land] so with that he just left it to some one not as wise to fuck up right here. on his way back to his seet that he hoped had empted by now he was stoped by a nice looking vagrent.
the old man looked around and then with great speed right the fuck on. The feeling of being wached was never grater, even in one of those little corrner store's with the bulls eye mirrors on the walls. the eyes were white, with shines of pure black, his teeth were but mear stubs but the breath was that of Ambrosia. Hobo of Light looked around, with one eye all around and one deep into his soul. with a fine wisper he spoke few words to joeseph. "i'm to week... take it all... no one will see you... i will make god damn sure...". and with that he hobbled over to a table and got on top. with one eye he shot to the machine, with the outher he shot down in to joe, want was all he could see this time.
"I'LL TELL YOU A GOOD TALE ABOUT A CAT! [after that he was pointing to every one in front of him]IT WONT BE ANY GOOD, GREAT, MAC'N'CHEESE KIND OF GOOD, MORE LIKE THAT KIND OF GOOD YOU GET WHEN YOU [falls down on one knee] I'M OK....! JUST FINE....[wave of arm] DONT TRY TO HELP ME. I'M OK!'
joseph thought this was as good a time as ever. with a quck pace he was back. looking at his new FRIEND he saw him down on one knee, thinking of going back was some thing that would of crossed his mind if he did not here the direct message ' i'm ok.... dont try to help me. by this poing he was looking down to his hand, full of candy bars. ones in german, french and he did not know this one. some thing with a lot of numbers and letter. now he had to find the FRIEND again. on the push throu the mob of people he was thinking that his was one more random quest that this place had thrown his way. he found his new FRIEND and not a second after giveing over the frist bar the new FRIEND had put a cuff on his wrist. oh. that was not a good thing. was his frist idea.
looking around he was in a dark room, to his left was a tall man with dark shades and the kind of wings you only see if your looking at a dinosours bones. to his right was a shorter man with long hair, he too had on glasses, but his were rose red with round rims. Right in his lap was a pease of papper. ther were two boxes "UP" And "DOWN". a pen in his right hand. how nice. The two people looked at each outher and giggled. he looked at the person on his left and did not seem to find any thing overly good or evil about him, the one on the right must be good becuase all hippes are good. but why a hippys? he did not have time to think right now. marking the right one was all he cared about. just then he saw a old yellow hand poinging over his left to the box marekd "UP". He could smell the Ambrosia. On his right came a hand that had the smoothest finges any man has seen in his world or the next. the long red finger nail was still burnning on the side of his face. the hand went to the "DOWN" Box and seemd to have a red dot doing all the pointing.
[ok it's like 2:03 right now and i have to be up at like 7:30 SO i will let my readers make the pen move for our little gide in this world]{ps that was telling you to make a "up" ?:? "down" your self} |
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